Distance is Just a Number

A couple of weeks ago I was standing in my kitchen sweetening some quark for my breakfast and I was reminded of something that happened back home.  My Mum had been told by a friend that adding an Options Hot  Chocolate powder to quark made a tasty low-syn dessert for Slimming World followers, so one day when I was invited for lunch she made it for me as a surprise. Now this was a wonderful gesture, and quark is not as easy to come by in England as it is in Germany so it required forethought, effort and planning, but it was unfortunately not delicious and at the time I was resentful of being on a diet.  It was, I am ashamed to admit, received without the gratitude it deserved and that made me very sad.

As with most people, I suppose, over our life time there are many gestures made by our parents that we are not  properly grateful for, or, equally as bad, we take for granted. So as I stood there adding berries and rolled oats, I was also stirring up a feeling that I had to remedy all those years of unintentional selfish encounters and tell her how much I appreciated everything she's done. After all this is the woman who when I was in the midst of my depression came and made sure I was looking after myself.  She cleaned up after me when things got so bad that I couldn't muster up the will to move from my tiny sofa.  She drove round one Christmas Day and delivered me a plated up Christmas dinner and a pot of gravy even though she had 14 house guests back home to run around after.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from the selfish brat that the above might paint me out to be, but even if I am properly grateful 99% of the time I couldn't help but dwell on those 1% of times I wasn't.  I had an urgent need to know that my Mum wouldn't go another minute without knowing that she knew I never meant to act that way.

A phone call would probably just have alarmed her, so I decided to send her some flowers and with the magic of InterFlora there was a knock at her door less than 3 hours later. At the same time the flowers arrived her phone rang, and she assumed it was me calling but it wasn't. In fact it was a friend baring bad news that another friend had been killed in a road accident the day before.  This friend was an amazing lady, it is not by chance that more than 500 people turned up for her funeral. Her eldest son is the same age as me and we were at first school together. I have many, many happy childhood memories of being in their home.

He no longer has the chance to tell his mother that he appreciates her, loves her and doesn't mean to take her for granted. I am glad that I took the time to do it, and that in a time of sadness I could comfort my Mum from hundreds of miles away.

Time for a small update...

Well it is just under 5 weeks until I move and I have made a start on things, I have been furiously been copying CDs to my PC so that I can sell my collection at the car boot, I really hadn't realised how big my collection was! I estimate it at about 400, so even if I sell them all for 25p each that would be a nice sum.  I still need to sort through my books and I have a mountain of shredding that needs to be done, I could probably keep a hamster in a home for 3 years =P

In other news I got my result for U211 and I managed a Pass 2, which is brilliant for someone that had thoughts of giving up right at the start, so I am feeling quite proud of myself for even making it to the end let alone getting such a good grade, and I wasn't that far off a distinction!  My new course books have arrived for E301: The Art of English which is all about the creativity in the English we use everyday as well as in the more traditional literary sense. The assignment booklet won't be available until the beginning of September but I have looked at last years and they don't look so scary, fingers crossed for this year too then :)

Also a letter turned up yesterday from the Council and my German evening class tutor has nominated me for an Adult Continuing Education learner award! No idea what that actually is but I get to go to an awards ceremony about 10 days before I leave, how exciting!!

Anyways that is it for now, I may write again before I leave but if I remain quiet I hope you'll forgive me :)

The Final Countdown!

Well you know what it's like when you haven't spoken to a friend for a while when you said you'd call them. The longer it goes on the more you feel bad about it and think they're gonna be annoyed at you for not calling, so you avoid it just that little bit longer. And the silly thing is when you do finally talk it doesn't matter!

So last week I had my U211 exam and I had been quite terrified about it but I came out feeling much better, although now I have had a chance to think about it I have subsequently remembered so many things I forgot to say, but they don't expect TMA quality from a 3 hour exam... I hope...

Then this weekend just gone my Brother got married and it was lovely to catch up with quite a lot of family I haven't seen for a very long time.  Uwe was here and managed to survive the mad pirate (Somerset) relatives, so much so that when he got home we booked my one-way fight to Germany!! Yes it was supposed to be July but now it is 20th September, my course was quite a lot more full on than I had anticipated especially with the revision towards the end and I also needed my passport as ID to be able to sit it. Unfortunately at the point I realised my passport had expired I didn't want to chance sending it off for fear of not having it returned in time.

So that's me pretty much up to date, can't think of anything else much exciting that has occurred.  I have now realised that I have just over 12 weeks to get myself all sorted... oh god!  I need to write myself a big list to tick things off and then just jolly well get on with it... oh god!  Ideally I want to chuck/sell/give away most of my belongings so I can just board the plane with 2 suitcases. Now where's my shredder?!

I shall keep you better informed from here on in! I notice I have a half finished book review for Great Expectations I need to post too lol... ah wells, toodle pip!

Rainy Day Blues

Well I arrived back in the UK on Wednesday greeted by the rain which was pretty much a reflection of my mood.  I couldn't even kiss Uwe goodbye because I had cold sores from hell, my entire top lip was covered as well as having one on my bottom lip, one on my cheek and one in my nose, so as you can imagine I was feeling really rather sorry for myself.  Yesterday I spent mostly in bed with an incredible headache and this morning I woke from a particularly nasty nightmare... the rain has finally stopped though so I am thinking things will look up although I am still sporting an icky top lip :(

There has been some good news since I last posted though which is that I became an Auntie to a beautiful baby boy. I really cannot wait to meet him, for now I'll just have to do with a picture.

Very first day on the planet!

Anyways I am off to mope around the house and get my assignment finished before my extension runs out!

Schnee und Glühwein

Well I have been in Germany for a couple of days now, didn't do much though as Uwe is still working and I have an essay due soonish, we did get to Esslingen Christmas market last night though and it was very lovely, albeit cold.  I wanted to take some pics to post on the blog but unfortunately both our camera's had dead batteries so perhaps we can go again this coming week.

It has a medieval theme so there were a lot of people dressed up and plenty of entertainment, from musicians to fire jugglers. I of course had to sample many different yummy treats but was disappointed not to find Reibekuchen and Apfelmus which I had been promised by my German teacher that all German Christmas markets serve.  I did however have some Wurst, Käsespätzle and Stockbrot.  I also managed to recognise the German for that old, ahem, English christmas favourite Turkish Delight, which Uwe was not convinced about meaning more for me! Mind you it was -6 and the Turkish Delight was hard.

Just a short one for today, will write something more interesting, with pics, soon!

Feeling Festive

My Nigella books turned up today, which was a nice surprise because with my goldfish brain I'd forgotten they'd be coming.  The first book I have looked at is the Christmas one and it really got me excited I love, love, love Christmas, and it is a sign that I am getting out of my depression as the last year I wasn't so excited and the year before I spent it alone, my Stepdad making a delivery of a portion of Christmas dinner which was really sweet of him and my Mum.

This year I will be spending it in Germany for the very first time, which I am looking forward to as their traditions are quite different to ours, food and presents are done on Christmas Eve and of course they don't have Boxing Day, but then I can live without Boxing Day lol.  I am looking forward to nosing around the Christmas Market in Esslingen too, it apparently has a Medieval theme, I probably won't get to any of the others in the area but Mum will be coming over next year especially for them so I'll see plenty then!

Uwe doesn't share my excitement for Christmas, I think for him there have been some family tensions which have made things uncomfortable, but I am looking to change this for the future so as Christmas Day will be just the two of us I want to plan a wonderful day which will hopefully be the start of some traditions of our own.

Talking of traditions, I was told that in Sweden they have a rice pudding at Christmas which contains one almond, and whoever gets the almond in their pudding makes a wish which the others eating the pudding have to make come true.  Obviously it has to be a realistic wish, but I thought that really encompassed the season of goodwill.

I am not sure if anyone will read this but I would love to hear your Christmas traditions.

8 Months to go

Well 8 months and 3 days to be precise, but I have been thinking about the move a lot, as you'd expect it is a big upheaval after all.  Originally we had pencilled in a move for November 2010, which means I would be moving right now.  I have been asking myself about whether I would have been ready to make the move right now.

Part of me says yes, the part of me that feels like life is on hold until July, now I am beginning to come out of my depression and starting to want to live in the real world again.  Little things like attending the tutorials for U211, the second of which was this weekend, where before I would have been too scared to probably even go let alone speak in front of people and make an effort to strike up conversations, I am starting to want to be social again.

I spent the weekend in London two weeks ago and even that was not as bad as it would have been, I mostly enjoyed myself, I did have to take some time out to deal with my panic attacks, but I had far fewer then before.  I remember when I suffering badly and my Mum would take me on trips to quietish shops, even  with hardly anyone around I would suffer from panic attacks almost as soon as we'd arrived.

I find it easier to be in Germany, I think because I don't speak the language I find it easier to pretend I'm anonymous, and that in itself has given me a freedom I have not had for a long time.  I do get slightly startled bunny when people start to talk to me and run to Uwe (the part of me that misses him tells me I am especially ready to make the move) and that is one of the reasons I feel better about waiting until July, some more time to learn German so that I might have the confidence to reply.

The other thing is that I am moving because I believe that Uwe is my "soul mate" I want us to be together until we're old and grey, and that means I will be in Germany until I am old and grey.  I will of course visit the islanders regularly but England will no longer be my home and I need some time to say goodbye.  In January I become an Auntie, I want to spend some time with my brand new nephew before am too far away to see him often.  My Dad is 70 in June and I want to be here to celebrate with him, and spend the next 8 months continuing to repair our relationship fully so that it will withstand the distance between us.

This time next month I'll be getting ready to fly over for a month so it is not as though I am far away, and I am going to be setting myself some challenges to do some things on my own seeing how far I can get on my limited German, as Susan Jeffers says 'feel the fear and do it anyway'!

In other news I did get my TMA result back and I did get over the 65% that I had been hoping for, my mark isn't extraordinary by any means but I am extremely happy with it.  Now working on TMA02 the first part of which needs posting by Monday, but I am sure I'll post more about that soon.

Snow big deal...

So most of my posts have been about my studies but I want to make this as much about that as it is about the hugest thing in my life, moving to Germany!  I really am so excited about it, and I still have such a long time to go before the move happens.  I know that the closer the date gets some of that excitement will be overshadowed with fear and self doubt which is only natural, which is another reason for wanting to post more about the subject, so that when I do wake up at 5am panicking I have somewhere to come to calm me down and remind me just why this is the best decision I can make.

Originally when we talked about relocation it was supposed to be next month and it was decided before I set foot on German soil, we had of course covered what would happen if I arrived and hated it there, luckily for us both I didn't I instead fell in love with the place.  The first visit I had to his home was last December, we had spent Christmas in England with my family and flew out on 28th to spend New Year with his.

Originally his mum had chastised him for bringing me over during winter for my first visit, but actually this is part of the reason I knew I made the right decision.  It wasn't just because the place is insanely beautiful when covered by 6 inches of snow, which it is, or that even though it was cold it wasn't damp like England can be but crisp and refreshing.  It was more to do with the fact that life carried on as normal, and back home there was utter chaos and everything was at a standstill, if we had been at home we would have been housebound but instead we still got out and about exploring.

Although I have felt very much at home there each time, and his family and friends have been extremely welcoming, I decided that I wasn't ready to make the move.  There were a variety of reasons for this, such as my Brother having his first child in January and I would like to be able to spend some time getting to know my new Nephew, I was accepted on my OU courses as well as wanting to continue with the group of people I am at evening class with through to next year. I also wanted some extra time with my Dad, our relationship over the years has been turbulent and we are finally spending some quality time together on a regular basis and I wanted that to continue for a while before leaving, safe in the knowledge that we can maintain that level while being far away.

I have now made 3 trips over and will be spending another month there this Christmas, and I will be seeing my BF in 10 days time for a long weekend, can't wait!  A long distance relationship is hard but, as I have said before, we do make the most of our time together and we are never far out of contact, whether it be hours chatting to each other in the evening or MSNing during the day.  We can talk about anything with each other and neither of us judges the other.  Like everyone does, we do have the odd disagreement but never fall asleep unless it is resolved.  It is hard to describe how you know you have found "the one" but with all my past relationships there has always been a voice in the back of my mind saying 'well when I'm single again I'll...' and with Uwe that voice just makes plans for us and our future together, and for me that is how I know.

I have been busy with investigating moving and this week I have been looking at shipping prices deciding that I don't have enough stuff I want to hold onto to justify paying the extortionate rates involved so, unless I can find someone that fancies a road trip across Europe, I will be taking 4 suitcases max 80 kilos, hopefully less, it depends on what my big de-clutter leaves when I start it in January.

The Obligatory "Hello World" Post!

Okay so I suppose I had better introduce myself and tell you why I am writing this, I am not sure why I suppose I must do it, maybe so that I, myself, can read it back at a later date and remember why I felt the need to start blogging.

So why?  Mainly it is because I know I am on the verge of a great shift in my life, one which is going to shape the rest of my days. I haven't really achieved too much in my first 32 years of life and I am sure that like many other 30 somethings this is the first time I have really assessed my own life and acknowledged that the carefree days of my 20s are gone and that I now have to think about the bigger picture of my life.

I have made decisions that if I have had my time again I would have chosen a different option. I don't hang onto regrets, what has happened has happened and had it not I would not be the person I am today, would I have been in a better position then I am now? Perhaps, but these events have brought me to a place where I have met the man that I would like to spend the rest of my days with.  Unfortunately he lives in Germany and I live in England, but although we don't see each other often it is not a hindrance to our relationship. Yes we miss each other terribly when we cannot see each other but it means that when we do we make the most of it. It forces us to take things slowly and to get to know each other, rather then rush and move in before the first month is over, we have been together for 2 and a half years now and although we have decided on relocation and moving it will not be for a other year or two before we can be together on a permanent basis. We talk every day, we play online games together most evenings and over the weekend, so we do spend a lot of "virtual" time together chatting, laughing, venting and putting the worlds to rights.

After lots of discussion we made the decision that I will be the one to move to Germany, rather than him moving here. I would be easier, especially on my part, for him to come here. He speaks fluent English, I did GCSE German 16 years ago, therefore it would be a lot easier for him to get a job. I am recovering from a particularly painful period of my life which crescendo'd in my complete mental breakdown, I didn't leave the house for about 6 months, heck I didn't leave my bed. I finally asked for help and was formally diagnosed as having Depression, I am gradually getting better, I am still not able to participate in life fully, crowds scare me and I am prone to panic attacks.

So why does a person that has to use every ounce of strength she has to even walk up to the corner shop for milk want to move to another country, which speaks a language she doesn't fully understand? Because I don't plan on being so crippled for the rest of my life. Yes it would be easy to stay in my house forever being paid benefits that other people go out to work and pay their taxes for, but how does that help me become well? It just fuels the depression and the sense of worthlessness.

I have started to admit to myself that I am brave after a session with my therapist when he told me I was brave for attending a small evening class. I told him I didn't feel brave as every week I wished for something to happen so that I would have an excuse to not go, that I didn't feel brave because I was too scared to open my front door and step out into the world. That bravery is something that the fearless possess.  He then asked me if I did not believe that I brave because I am scared of opening the door but I opened it regardless. I had no other option but to concede that he might have a point, and it has changed the way I think.

The way for me to get better is to make sure I have some goals to achieve and some challenges to rise up to. Yes moving to Germany is a massive thing, but it will be a new start far away from anything related with the bad things that have happened and it excites me as much as it scares me.  I have broken it down into the smaller chunks so that I can make baby steps out from the cocoon to being a fully functioning human, with hopefully something to offer the world.

I have just signed up for a 3rd session of evening classes and I am starting an Open University Degree in Modern Languages - English and German, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am moving forward rather then backwards.