Six Months Later

Today is the first day of spring, thanks to Google's doodle for alerting me to that this morning.  Today has been bright and sunny and beautifully springlike, but that isn't the only thing that has made today special for me.  Six months ago I stepped on a plane with two suitcases to start my life over here.  It seems like so much and nothing has happened in that time, I spent a very long time waiting to get my forms sorted from the UK so I could get my Health Insurance, my Freizügigkeitsbescheinigung and most importantly start my Integration course with the VHS.

The first few months and Christmas were very exciting but with the new year my high started to come down and I really struggled with my motivation.  I entered "that" phase that as far as I can tell all ex-pats do from time to time.  Temperatures of down to -18°c didn't really help things as going outside wasn't really something I wanted to do. I was left feeling isolated and alone at home during the day, surrounded by language that I frustratingly couldn't understand.

I knew things would get better, and they have. I started my Deutschkurs in February and on Friday I will have finished the first module.  I have made friends and even had a very pleasant lunch and shopping trip with a girl from Azerbaizjan who speaks no English.  Last weekend we took a trip over the boarder to Strasbourg where I took lots of photos and realised that the 8 years I spent learning French at school has been overwritten German words.  The Sun has been shining, the days are getting longer and the birds are singing everyday. I always knew that moving here would be hard at times but I absolutely made the right choice by coming here.

Distance is Just a Number

A couple of weeks ago I was standing in my kitchen sweetening some quark for my breakfast and I was reminded of something that happened back home.  My Mum had been told by a friend that adding an Options Hot  Chocolate powder to quark made a tasty low-syn dessert for Slimming World followers, so one day when I was invited for lunch she made it for me as a surprise. Now this was a wonderful gesture, and quark is not as easy to come by in England as it is in Germany so it required forethought, effort and planning, but it was unfortunately not delicious and at the time I was resentful of being on a diet.  It was, I am ashamed to admit, received without the gratitude it deserved and that made me very sad.

As with most people, I suppose, over our life time there are many gestures made by our parents that we are not  properly grateful for, or, equally as bad, we take for granted. So as I stood there adding berries and rolled oats, I was also stirring up a feeling that I had to remedy all those years of unintentional selfish encounters and tell her how much I appreciated everything she's done. After all this is the woman who when I was in the midst of my depression came and made sure I was looking after myself.  She cleaned up after me when things got so bad that I couldn't muster up the will to move from my tiny sofa.  She drove round one Christmas Day and delivered me a plated up Christmas dinner and a pot of gravy even though she had 14 house guests back home to run around after.

Don't get me wrong, I am far from the selfish brat that the above might paint me out to be, but even if I am properly grateful 99% of the time I couldn't help but dwell on those 1% of times I wasn't.  I had an urgent need to know that my Mum wouldn't go another minute without knowing that she knew I never meant to act that way.

A phone call would probably just have alarmed her, so I decided to send her some flowers and with the magic of InterFlora there was a knock at her door less than 3 hours later. At the same time the flowers arrived her phone rang, and she assumed it was me calling but it wasn't. In fact it was a friend baring bad news that another friend had been killed in a road accident the day before.  This friend was an amazing lady, it is not by chance that more than 500 people turned up for her funeral. Her eldest son is the same age as me and we were at first school together. I have many, many happy childhood memories of being in their home.

He no longer has the chance to tell his mother that he appreciates her, loves her and doesn't mean to take her for granted. I am glad that I took the time to do it, and that in a time of sadness I could comfort my Mum from hundreds of miles away.

Ah Homesickness, I've been expecting you...

Well it had to arrive at some time, I think it started about a week ago, it wasn't really one thing that set it off although I am pretty sure that the fact that (TMI warning) my period started 2 days after arriving in Germany and due to a hormone imbalance I suffer from, it is still here almost 7 weeks later and not nice to deal with (TMI over) so I would be prone to teary out bursts at the best of times.

This weekend I think it was even more so because I was missing my favourite Autumn celebration, Guy Fawkes Night.  Nothing like eating sausages and hot soup outside while bundled up like a mummy in the warmest clothing you can find. Everyone huddled around the bonfire, signing your name with sparklers and watching fireworks, not just your own but the whole neighbourhoods. Milton Keynes holds a massive fireworks display every year in the centre of town at Campbell Park, when I was little it was always accompanied by classical music, with the bangs of the drums in sync with the bangs of the big rockets.  Thanks to youtube I have found this years display, the music isn't quite classical although Mad World is close, Take That however isn't.

The other thing is that I am bored almost all the time, and yet I have no energy to actually be bothered to do anything. Some days I find myself absent-mindedly checking my inbox 10 times in a row without visiting any other pages in between. It is different to when I was in the depths of depression, back then I'd just sleep most of the time and not bother to get out of my dressing gown for weeks.  I am pleased to report that I am at least getting up, getting dressed and showering. I am finding it hard to get out the front door by myself, but I am certainly going to try this week.

I think I need a craft project to keep me busy, I am trying to complete NaNoWriMo at the moment but it is really hard to write when in this mood but I am soldiering on.

If anyone feels like setting me a mini out the front door challenge then please do :)

---> Insert Cliche'd New Year Reference Here <---

Well here we are at the end of another year waiting to see in the next one and hoping it will be better than the last. For me 2010 has not been so bad, it has certainly been better than the few before, my recovery from depression has come a very long way and I know it will only improve in 2011.  That said it still feels that my life has been on hold again and Iwant to start living again I want to mix with other humans more, which means I have to overcome my insecurities which sometimes stop me from getting involved.

I have achieved some really good things this year, I have travelled by myself further than the shop at the top of my road, I have been as far as to Germany and back several times.  I commited to a degree and I have worked hard to receive some great results for my efforts and I didn't give up when it looked to hard, instead I took time out to calm down and to find a solution. i am quite proud of how far i have come.

I am not really sure if I will write any New Years Resolutions, pretty much they are the same every year aren't they?  Mine usually are anyways, I just want to continue to step forward, but perhaps some directions would be good.  I will think about it some more, but goodbye 2010... Happy New Year Everyone!

I get knocked down, but I get up again...

Most of the time I am excited and motivated about moving to Germany, but every so often I am reminded about what an absolutely mammoth life changing decision I have made.  Yesterday for example we had dinner with Uwe's family, seven of us in total, the food was lovely and I wish i could comment the same about the company. Now don't get me wrong I didn't hate the company, far from it, the lack of commenting is because I didn't understand the company.

I had really hoped that after a year of learning German that my understanding would be better and I would have the confidence to open my mouth and let some words of my own come out. Unfortunately none of the conversations over the dinner table involved booking hotel rooms or purchasing a train ticket, well unfortunate from my grasp of the language side of things anyway.  I could understand the odd word here and there, but mostly I was blankly smiling at people wishing that Star Trek universal translator thingies had been invented.

I think what disappointed me most was that even the few questions aimed at me sparked an internal panic, Uwe's half sister asked me when I flew over to which I turned immediately to Uwe and said "ummmmm Mitwoch?" I understood the next question too about the weather and I really should have been able to answer it had I tried but I didn't. Instead I ummed again at Uwe and he took over answering for me, which I was mighty relieved at.

I was pretty depressed by the whole thing, and I really don't know what is stopping me. Yes part of it is this panic, but I think part of it is because I don't want the attention on me and on my inability to speak their language.  Everything will take 10 times as long because i can't get my point across.  I totally understand why babies scream to get their point across, I felt like crying the entire time :(

I was totally exhausted after the experience but it isn't going to stop me, it just reminded me that things are a lot harder than I sometimes remember but I will get there in the end.  Although it didn't seem like it I am pretty sure I understood far more than I did a year ago, it's just that I still don't understand enough to be useful yet.

Feeling Festive

My Nigella books turned up today, which was a nice surprise because with my goldfish brain I'd forgotten they'd be coming.  The first book I have looked at is the Christmas one and it really got me excited I love, love, love Christmas, and it is a sign that I am getting out of my depression as the last year I wasn't so excited and the year before I spent it alone, my Stepdad making a delivery of a portion of Christmas dinner which was really sweet of him and my Mum.

This year I will be spending it in Germany for the very first time, which I am looking forward to as their traditions are quite different to ours, food and presents are done on Christmas Eve and of course they don't have Boxing Day, but then I can live without Boxing Day lol.  I am looking forward to nosing around the Christmas Market in Esslingen too, it apparently has a Medieval theme, I probably won't get to any of the others in the area but Mum will be coming over next year especially for them so I'll see plenty then!

Uwe doesn't share my excitement for Christmas, I think for him there have been some family tensions which have made things uncomfortable, but I am looking to change this for the future so as Christmas Day will be just the two of us I want to plan a wonderful day which will hopefully be the start of some traditions of our own.

Talking of traditions, I was told that in Sweden they have a rice pudding at Christmas which contains one almond, and whoever gets the almond in their pudding makes a wish which the others eating the pudding have to make come true.  Obviously it has to be a realistic wish, but I thought that really encompassed the season of goodwill.

I am not sure if anyone will read this but I would love to hear your Christmas traditions.

8 Months to go

Well 8 months and 3 days to be precise, but I have been thinking about the move a lot, as you'd expect it is a big upheaval after all.  Originally we had pencilled in a move for November 2010, which means I would be moving right now.  I have been asking myself about whether I would have been ready to make the move right now.

Part of me says yes, the part of me that feels like life is on hold until July, now I am beginning to come out of my depression and starting to want to live in the real world again.  Little things like attending the tutorials for U211, the second of which was this weekend, where before I would have been too scared to probably even go let alone speak in front of people and make an effort to strike up conversations, I am starting to want to be social again.

I spent the weekend in London two weeks ago and even that was not as bad as it would have been, I mostly enjoyed myself, I did have to take some time out to deal with my panic attacks, but I had far fewer then before.  I remember when I suffering badly and my Mum would take me on trips to quietish shops, even  with hardly anyone around I would suffer from panic attacks almost as soon as we'd arrived.

I find it easier to be in Germany, I think because I don't speak the language I find it easier to pretend I'm anonymous, and that in itself has given me a freedom I have not had for a long time.  I do get slightly startled bunny when people start to talk to me and run to Uwe (the part of me that misses him tells me I am especially ready to make the move) and that is one of the reasons I feel better about waiting until July, some more time to learn German so that I might have the confidence to reply.

The other thing is that I am moving because I believe that Uwe is my "soul mate" I want us to be together until we're old and grey, and that means I will be in Germany until I am old and grey.  I will of course visit the islanders regularly but England will no longer be my home and I need some time to say goodbye.  In January I become an Auntie, I want to spend some time with my brand new nephew before am too far away to see him often.  My Dad is 70 in June and I want to be here to celebrate with him, and spend the next 8 months continuing to repair our relationship fully so that it will withstand the distance between us.

This time next month I'll be getting ready to fly over for a month so it is not as though I am far away, and I am going to be setting myself some challenges to do some things on my own seeing how far I can get on my limited German, as Susan Jeffers says 'feel the fear and do it anyway'!

In other news I did get my TMA result back and I did get over the 65% that I had been hoping for, my mark isn't extraordinary by any means but I am extremely happy with it.  Now working on TMA02 the first part of which needs posting by Monday, but I am sure I'll post more about that soon.

The Obligatory "Hello World" Post!

Okay so I suppose I had better introduce myself and tell you why I am writing this, I am not sure why I suppose I must do it, maybe so that I, myself, can read it back at a later date and remember why I felt the need to start blogging.

So why?  Mainly it is because I know I am on the verge of a great shift in my life, one which is going to shape the rest of my days. I haven't really achieved too much in my first 32 years of life and I am sure that like many other 30 somethings this is the first time I have really assessed my own life and acknowledged that the carefree days of my 20s are gone and that I now have to think about the bigger picture of my life.

I have made decisions that if I have had my time again I would have chosen a different option. I don't hang onto regrets, what has happened has happened and had it not I would not be the person I am today, would I have been in a better position then I am now? Perhaps, but these events have brought me to a place where I have met the man that I would like to spend the rest of my days with.  Unfortunately he lives in Germany and I live in England, but although we don't see each other often it is not a hindrance to our relationship. Yes we miss each other terribly when we cannot see each other but it means that when we do we make the most of it. It forces us to take things slowly and to get to know each other, rather then rush and move in before the first month is over, we have been together for 2 and a half years now and although we have decided on relocation and moving it will not be for a other year or two before we can be together on a permanent basis. We talk every day, we play online games together most evenings and over the weekend, so we do spend a lot of "virtual" time together chatting, laughing, venting and putting the worlds to rights.

After lots of discussion we made the decision that I will be the one to move to Germany, rather than him moving here. I would be easier, especially on my part, for him to come here. He speaks fluent English, I did GCSE German 16 years ago, therefore it would be a lot easier for him to get a job. I am recovering from a particularly painful period of my life which crescendo'd in my complete mental breakdown, I didn't leave the house for about 6 months, heck I didn't leave my bed. I finally asked for help and was formally diagnosed as having Depression, I am gradually getting better, I am still not able to participate in life fully, crowds scare me and I am prone to panic attacks.

So why does a person that has to use every ounce of strength she has to even walk up to the corner shop for milk want to move to another country, which speaks a language she doesn't fully understand? Because I don't plan on being so crippled for the rest of my life. Yes it would be easy to stay in my house forever being paid benefits that other people go out to work and pay their taxes for, but how does that help me become well? It just fuels the depression and the sense of worthlessness.

I have started to admit to myself that I am brave after a session with my therapist when he told me I was brave for attending a small evening class. I told him I didn't feel brave as every week I wished for something to happen so that I would have an excuse to not go, that I didn't feel brave because I was too scared to open my front door and step out into the world. That bravery is something that the fearless possess.  He then asked me if I did not believe that I brave because I am scared of opening the door but I opened it regardless. I had no other option but to concede that he might have a point, and it has changed the way I think.

The way for me to get better is to make sure I have some goals to achieve and some challenges to rise up to. Yes moving to Germany is a massive thing, but it will be a new start far away from anything related with the bad things that have happened and it excites me as much as it scares me.  I have broken it down into the smaller chunks so that I can make baby steps out from the cocoon to being a fully functioning human, with hopefully something to offer the world.

I have just signed up for a 3rd session of evening classes and I am starting an Open University Degree in Modern Languages - English and German, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am moving forward rather then backwards.