Six Months Later

Today is the first day of spring, thanks to Google's doodle for alerting me to that this morning.  Today has been bright and sunny and beautifully springlike, but that isn't the only thing that has made today special for me.  Six months ago I stepped on a plane with two suitcases to start my life over here.  It seems like so much and nothing has happened in that time, I spent a very long time waiting to get my forms sorted from the UK so I could get my Health Insurance, my Freizügigkeitsbescheinigung and most importantly start my Integration course with the VHS.

The first few months and Christmas were very exciting but with the new year my high started to come down and I really struggled with my motivation.  I entered "that" phase that as far as I can tell all ex-pats do from time to time.  Temperatures of down to -18°c didn't really help things as going outside wasn't really something I wanted to do. I was left feeling isolated and alone at home during the day, surrounded by language that I frustratingly couldn't understand.

I knew things would get better, and they have. I started my Deutschkurs in February and on Friday I will have finished the first module.  I have made friends and even had a very pleasant lunch and shopping trip with a girl from Azerbaizjan who speaks no English.  Last weekend we took a trip over the boarder to Strasbourg where I took lots of photos and realised that the 8 years I spent learning French at school has been overwritten German words.  The Sun has been shining, the days are getting longer and the birds are singing everyday. I always knew that moving here would be hard at times but I absolutely made the right choice by coming here.

Ah Homesickness, I've been expecting you...

Well it had to arrive at some time, I think it started about a week ago, it wasn't really one thing that set it off although I am pretty sure that the fact that (TMI warning) my period started 2 days after arriving in Germany and due to a hormone imbalance I suffer from, it is still here almost 7 weeks later and not nice to deal with (TMI over) so I would be prone to teary out bursts at the best of times.

This weekend I think it was even more so because I was missing my favourite Autumn celebration, Guy Fawkes Night.  Nothing like eating sausages and hot soup outside while bundled up like a mummy in the warmest clothing you can find. Everyone huddled around the bonfire, signing your name with sparklers and watching fireworks, not just your own but the whole neighbourhoods. Milton Keynes holds a massive fireworks display every year in the centre of town at Campbell Park, when I was little it was always accompanied by classical music, with the bangs of the drums in sync with the bangs of the big rockets.  Thanks to youtube I have found this years display, the music isn't quite classical although Mad World is close, Take That however isn't.

The other thing is that I am bored almost all the time, and yet I have no energy to actually be bothered to do anything. Some days I find myself absent-mindedly checking my inbox 10 times in a row without visiting any other pages in between. It is different to when I was in the depths of depression, back then I'd just sleep most of the time and not bother to get out of my dressing gown for weeks.  I am pleased to report that I am at least getting up, getting dressed and showering. I am finding it hard to get out the front door by myself, but I am certainly going to try this week.

I think I need a craft project to keep me busy, I am trying to complete NaNoWriMo at the moment but it is really hard to write when in this mood but I am soldiering on.

If anyone feels like setting me a mini out the front door challenge then please do :)

One-Month-in-Germany-iversary

It has been a dull drizzly day in Esslingen, but one month after getting on a plane with a one-way ticket I am happy to say it is still sunny in my heart.

I spoke to my Dad for well over an hour on Google Talk and as we were about to hang up he told me that he was so pleased to hear me happier than he has heard me in a long time, which really means a lot as I know how much he misses me and I miss him too.  Thursdays were our Father Daughter lunch outings back in England so we are continuing the tradition through our webcams.

I am enjoying discovering my new surroundings although I have only been out once by myself tomorrow I have a solo date with Esslingen town centre.  It is so beautiful around here, coming from Milton Keynes I thought I had it good being surrounded by so many trees, but even in the spring when MK is one big Blossom explosion I don't think it can compare to even the vineyards on the edge of my new town.

It's true I have had a few "oh fudge I live in Germany now!" moments, and I know there will be many more of those in the future, but right now I love Uwe and I love my life, and no I haven't even had any local wine today!

My new surroundings...

It's Life Jim, Almost But Not Quite As We Know It!

I admit to being somewhat naive when I first visited Germany, I suppose I thought that we were such close neighbours and relations that most things would be the same as there are back on the Island.  I can put this down to my not being well travelled at all, in fact I had only ever been to France three times, the last of which was when I was 12 and to Amsterdam for a few long weekends. I was 23 when I flew for the first time and with my trips to Germany I have more than doubled my lifetime flying in less than two years.

Things aren't massively different, even the words sound quite similar, but different nonetheless. Over the past three weeks there hasn't been a day when when one of us has enquired along the lines of "You do it that way in Germany?" or "You don't do it that way in England?"

Some of it may be seen as old fashioned by some, but myself I am quite pleased that Germany holds onto some values which have been long forgotten back home.  Here - as I know other bloggers have noted - Sundays are still rest days, the shops except for bakers are closed which means time to do other much funner things instead. 

Supermarkets are smaller and fresh produce is much more seasonal.  In my local Sainsbury's most of the fridges were taken up with ready meals but here I haven't spotted even one that compares, in fact I remember joking with a colleague a few years ago about potatoes not being muddy any more like when I was a child, I am pleased to report the veg here not only has evidence of coming from fields but is also in naturally occurring un-regimented sizes.

The food itself is of course quite different and Junk Food is not quite as widely available, for example back home I could log onto JustEat.co.uk and order anything to be delivered to my door within 45 minutes, or to Sainsbury's for delivery the next day which just isn't possible to do here.  Which is good for me as I did far too much of that through my depressed non leaving house days and as a result have had to join WeightWatchers to work it off.  Now I have rediscovered the joy of cooking along with discovering for the first time the familiarly alien art of German cuisine, if you're interested in any of that you can check out my other blog Slimming in a Foreign Land.

On Monday I opened a Bank Account here, which I was surprised to hear would cost me a monthly fee on top of the cash machine fees which we don't pay in the UK unless it is one of those privately owned extortion machines.  However the most astonishing thing for me was when Uwe informed me he had made an appointment with his "guy at the bank" which I know used to exist in England before everything got centralised and shifted to massive call centres in Newcastle or New Delhi.

I have to say that a lot of things aren't necessarily better or worse over here or there just different, and I generally like how things are done here. I find the only really annoying thing is that most content on Youtube is blocked because of GEMA, but I can reliably tell you that pisses off the Germans just as much.

Finding my Feet

Well I have been here for 10 days now, I would love to tell you that I have done so much, but unfortunately after I arrived and my body realised the stress had disappeared, it decided to let a cold in instead.  I knew it was a good buy picking up extra Lemsips at the airport.  I passed the cold onto Uwe where it mutated into Man-Flu, and as such we didn't get too much done except visit the supermarket a few times, but at least my belongings arrived in one piece.

The view from the supermarket car park is somewhat nicer than that of Tescos in Milton Keynes!

I had my final oral assessment for L193 and got stage fright so not really anticipating a good result there lol.  It only lasted two minutes and consisted mainly of me saying "erm" and "wie, bitte?" which bummed me a bit because as soon as it was over I knew exactly what to say :( I have the L130 assessment tomorrow morning and this one is longer and a group session, I have decided there is no point worrying about it though, what will be , will be.

Uwe went back to work on Wednesday, and I haven't had the confidence to get out on my own yet, but tomorrow we are going to take the bus into town together so that I am familiar with where I am supposed to get off and not get lost, and my Monday challenge is to go buy some groceries.

We have friends birthdays to go to both tonight and tomorrow night which should be fun.

Ich bin hier!!

Well on a very rainy, very English, Tuesday afternoon Uwe and I got on a plane at Birmingham International.  We arrived in Stuttgart a cuplr of hours later and even though it is nearly October it was over 20 degrees at 8pm and hotter than the entire summer in England this year!

Uwe's parents picked us up from the airport and we went back to dinner at their house, where his mother had prepared my favourite Swabian dish of Maultaschen with Kartoffelnsalat accompianied by copious amounts of local white wine.   I was sufficiently tipsy enough to even speak some very bad German, about the above weather situation - no I don't need a passport for someone to tell my nationality - which everyone was suitably impressed with, or at least they seemed to be through my wine goggles.

View from outside the Bürgeramt

Yesterday we headed to the Bürgeramt to register my residency here.  The only bit I understood was really when she asked Uwe if I understood German, lol.  So far so good, but it still doesn't seem quite real yet.

The First Goodbye

On Thursday evening as it would have been our normal evening for a German class most of us got together for our usual end of term curry.  The food and conversation were flowing freely and Rosa our teacher managed to charm the waiters into giving her one of the gorgeous wine glasses they had.  At the end of the meal a fuss was made over my leaving, which was quite sad as we have been together learning for about 2 years and these were some of the first people I had social interaction with after my breakdown and they have helped me grow so much.  Oddly the class is pretty much all men apart from Mum and me, I say oddly because I have done quite a number of evening classes over the years and women have always made up the majority.  I'm not sure if that is related but they have also been the best people I have taken classes with, which is why I extended an invitation for them to look me up if they happen to find themselves in Stuttgart and was even more pleased when they immediately started planning a class trip to see me some time next year lol.

I got a lot of hugs goodbye and felt very special... unlike my Mum who spent all of Friday being sick which she is attributing directly to the food she ate =P

Progress Non Update

Well I wanted to be able to come back and tell you all sorts of things I've been up to in preparation for the big move... but well I haven't really done anything.  I spent last weekend in bed feeling sorry for myself having a stomach bug followed by a migraine and decided that as I only have a few days left being 32 that I could spend those wasting time and start properly putting effort in as a 33 year old, as 33 year olds seem much more sensible than 32 year olds!

So instead I have been drinking Mojito's with their minty summer goodness and actually learning some German "einen Mojito, bitte."  I have been going back over some of my earlier German books to give myself a boost in confidence with how much I have actually learnt, in the face of the newer stuff which I am struggling to get to grips with.

One of the multiple choice exercises in the book was a picture of a sign saying "Ausfahrt" (a) excursion, (b) Motorway exit or (c) rude noise.  I must admit to giggling at those signs and couldn't stifle my hysterics when Uwe's Mum asked an innocent "Hattet ihr eine gute Fahrt?" on our arrival back in Esslingen from our long weekend in Munich.  I always have a quick glance around the room when my German teacher says "könnte" for flickers of amusement but it seems just me, although as I sit next to my own Mum during the lessons I have to contain that more for fear of getting smacked and tutted at!

The Final Countdown!

Well you know what it's like when you haven't spoken to a friend for a while when you said you'd call them. The longer it goes on the more you feel bad about it and think they're gonna be annoyed at you for not calling, so you avoid it just that little bit longer. And the silly thing is when you do finally talk it doesn't matter!

So last week I had my U211 exam and I had been quite terrified about it but I came out feeling much better, although now I have had a chance to think about it I have subsequently remembered so many things I forgot to say, but they don't expect TMA quality from a 3 hour exam... I hope...

Then this weekend just gone my Brother got married and it was lovely to catch up with quite a lot of family I haven't seen for a very long time.  Uwe was here and managed to survive the mad pirate (Somerset) relatives, so much so that when he got home we booked my one-way fight to Germany!! Yes it was supposed to be July but now it is 20th September, my course was quite a lot more full on than I had anticipated especially with the revision towards the end and I also needed my passport as ID to be able to sit it. Unfortunately at the point I realised my passport had expired I didn't want to chance sending it off for fear of not having it returned in time.

So that's me pretty much up to date, can't think of anything else much exciting that has occurred.  I have now realised that I have just over 12 weeks to get myself all sorted... oh god!  I need to write myself a big list to tick things off and then just jolly well get on with it... oh god!  Ideally I want to chuck/sell/give away most of my belongings so I can just board the plane with 2 suitcases. Now where's my shredder?!

I shall keep you better informed from here on in! I notice I have a half finished book review for Great Expectations I need to post too lol... ah wells, toodle pip!

Rainy Day Blues

Well I arrived back in the UK on Wednesday greeted by the rain which was pretty much a reflection of my mood.  I couldn't even kiss Uwe goodbye because I had cold sores from hell, my entire top lip was covered as well as having one on my bottom lip, one on my cheek and one in my nose, so as you can imagine I was feeling really rather sorry for myself.  Yesterday I spent mostly in bed with an incredible headache and this morning I woke from a particularly nasty nightmare... the rain has finally stopped though so I am thinking things will look up although I am still sporting an icky top lip :(

There has been some good news since I last posted though which is that I became an Auntie to a beautiful baby boy. I really cannot wait to meet him, for now I'll just have to do with a picture.

Very first day on the planet!

Anyways I am off to mope around the house and get my assignment finished before my extension runs out!

---> Insert Cliche'd New Year Reference Here <---

Well here we are at the end of another year waiting to see in the next one and hoping it will be better than the last. For me 2010 has not been so bad, it has certainly been better than the few before, my recovery from depression has come a very long way and I know it will only improve in 2011.  That said it still feels that my life has been on hold again and Iwant to start living again I want to mix with other humans more, which means I have to overcome my insecurities which sometimes stop me from getting involved.

I have achieved some really good things this year, I have travelled by myself further than the shop at the top of my road, I have been as far as to Germany and back several times.  I commited to a degree and I have worked hard to receive some great results for my efforts and I didn't give up when it looked to hard, instead I took time out to calm down and to find a solution. i am quite proud of how far i have come.

I am not really sure if I will write any New Years Resolutions, pretty much they are the same every year aren't they?  Mine usually are anyways, I just want to continue to step forward, but perhaps some directions would be good.  I will think about it some more, but goodbye 2010... Happy New Year Everyone!

I get knocked down, but I get up again...

Most of the time I am excited and motivated about moving to Germany, but every so often I am reminded about what an absolutely mammoth life changing decision I have made.  Yesterday for example we had dinner with Uwe's family, seven of us in total, the food was lovely and I wish i could comment the same about the company. Now don't get me wrong I didn't hate the company, far from it, the lack of commenting is because I didn't understand the company.

I had really hoped that after a year of learning German that my understanding would be better and I would have the confidence to open my mouth and let some words of my own come out. Unfortunately none of the conversations over the dinner table involved booking hotel rooms or purchasing a train ticket, well unfortunate from my grasp of the language side of things anyway.  I could understand the odd word here and there, but mostly I was blankly smiling at people wishing that Star Trek universal translator thingies had been invented.

I think what disappointed me most was that even the few questions aimed at me sparked an internal panic, Uwe's half sister asked me when I flew over to which I turned immediately to Uwe and said "ummmmm Mitwoch?" I understood the next question too about the weather and I really should have been able to answer it had I tried but I didn't. Instead I ummed again at Uwe and he took over answering for me, which I was mighty relieved at.

I was pretty depressed by the whole thing, and I really don't know what is stopping me. Yes part of it is this panic, but I think part of it is because I don't want the attention on me and on my inability to speak their language.  Everything will take 10 times as long because i can't get my point across.  I totally understand why babies scream to get their point across, I felt like crying the entire time :(

I was totally exhausted after the experience but it isn't going to stop me, it just reminded me that things are a lot harder than I sometimes remember but I will get there in the end.  Although it didn't seem like it I am pretty sure I understood far more than I did a year ago, it's just that I still don't understand enough to be useful yet.

So this means we're grown ups now...

On Saturday morning I found out that one of my best friends from school is getting divorced after being together for 15 years.  They are the first people I know of my age to go through it and unfortunately it isn't going to be amicable.  He cheated on her with someone else we were at school with, her part in this doesn't surprise me as she was only interested in attached guys even back then, once she had them she didn't want them, so the soon to be ex will hopefully be in for a lovely surprise when she gets bored and he finds himself alone.  However he has emptied their bank account without a thought for how my friend will provide for their child and is sending threatening e-mails, I fail to see it from his point of view at all and believe he is probably being manipulated into doing it.  What I find worse is that he was absolutely appalled by the similar behaviour carried out by his father on leaving his mother, so I add hypocrite to the list of smaller more Anglo-Saxonesque words I have taken to referring to him as.

A quieter more secret part of me is pleased he is gone. I think my friend was always too good for him, and although it is all too raw for me to say it to her right now she will meet someone far better, having a little fun along the way road-testing - if you catch my drift ;)  Myself I have had many break-ups in the past to know that the feeling that no one will ever find you attractive again is not true, and I know that the pain gets less with every passing day, that I am better without every one of them, but 15 years of being with the same person, the person you promised "'til death do us part." I cannot imagine the pain.  Then there is the practical stuff that needs to be sorted, the legal things, the day to day things, the question of who gets what and on top of that carrying on and putting a brave face on for her son, when I am sure all she wants to do is stay in bed and eat cheesecake for a week.

My own parents have now been divorced for almost twice the amount of time they were married.  The first time he left - which incidentally was for a woman that shares the name of the husband stealer above, a woman that also stole the husband of my step-mum in an unrelated event - he came back home a short while later, by that time my Mum had accepted it was over, realised they were better apart and they split for good. They remained amicable and neither ever tried to turn me or my brother against the other, of course there were the odd irritated grumbles, but they'd be there even if they were still married.  The funny thing is that I find it quite alien to think that they could have ever been dating let alone married for 14 years with 2 kids, but I suppose that is down to them divorcing when I was 5 and spending the past 27 years getting to know them individually.

Ironically Saturday was also the day that my teenage crush got married, we had one of those Joey & Dawson things going on for a while and I was convinced we'd end up together and although we had moments of shared teenage fumblings we never did.  I haven't seen him since last millennium (haha how old does that make us sound?) and I have no interest in seeing him, but still it felt a little bit odd.  I do however wish him as much luck and happiness and hope that his new wife is every bit as amazing as my beautiful boyfriend.

8 Months to go

Well 8 months and 3 days to be precise, but I have been thinking about the move a lot, as you'd expect it is a big upheaval after all.  Originally we had pencilled in a move for November 2010, which means I would be moving right now.  I have been asking myself about whether I would have been ready to make the move right now.

Part of me says yes, the part of me that feels like life is on hold until July, now I am beginning to come out of my depression and starting to want to live in the real world again.  Little things like attending the tutorials for U211, the second of which was this weekend, where before I would have been too scared to probably even go let alone speak in front of people and make an effort to strike up conversations, I am starting to want to be social again.

I spent the weekend in London two weeks ago and even that was not as bad as it would have been, I mostly enjoyed myself, I did have to take some time out to deal with my panic attacks, but I had far fewer then before.  I remember when I suffering badly and my Mum would take me on trips to quietish shops, even  with hardly anyone around I would suffer from panic attacks almost as soon as we'd arrived.

I find it easier to be in Germany, I think because I don't speak the language I find it easier to pretend I'm anonymous, and that in itself has given me a freedom I have not had for a long time.  I do get slightly startled bunny when people start to talk to me and run to Uwe (the part of me that misses him tells me I am especially ready to make the move) and that is one of the reasons I feel better about waiting until July, some more time to learn German so that I might have the confidence to reply.

The other thing is that I am moving because I believe that Uwe is my "soul mate" I want us to be together until we're old and grey, and that means I will be in Germany until I am old and grey.  I will of course visit the islanders regularly but England will no longer be my home and I need some time to say goodbye.  In January I become an Auntie, I want to spend some time with my brand new nephew before am too far away to see him often.  My Dad is 70 in June and I want to be here to celebrate with him, and spend the next 8 months continuing to repair our relationship fully so that it will withstand the distance between us.

This time next month I'll be getting ready to fly over for a month so it is not as though I am far away, and I am going to be setting myself some challenges to do some things on my own seeing how far I can get on my limited German, as Susan Jeffers says 'feel the fear and do it anyway'!

In other news I did get my TMA result back and I did get over the 65% that I had been hoping for, my mark isn't extraordinary by any means but I am extremely happy with it.  Now working on TMA02 the first part of which needs posting by Monday, but I am sure I'll post more about that soon.

Snow big deal...

So most of my posts have been about my studies but I want to make this as much about that as it is about the hugest thing in my life, moving to Germany!  I really am so excited about it, and I still have such a long time to go before the move happens.  I know that the closer the date gets some of that excitement will be overshadowed with fear and self doubt which is only natural, which is another reason for wanting to post more about the subject, so that when I do wake up at 5am panicking I have somewhere to come to calm me down and remind me just why this is the best decision I can make.

Originally when we talked about relocation it was supposed to be next month and it was decided before I set foot on German soil, we had of course covered what would happen if I arrived and hated it there, luckily for us both I didn't I instead fell in love with the place.  The first visit I had to his home was last December, we had spent Christmas in England with my family and flew out on 28th to spend New Year with his.

Originally his mum had chastised him for bringing me over during winter for my first visit, but actually this is part of the reason I knew I made the right decision.  It wasn't just because the place is insanely beautiful when covered by 6 inches of snow, which it is, or that even though it was cold it wasn't damp like England can be but crisp and refreshing.  It was more to do with the fact that life carried on as normal, and back home there was utter chaos and everything was at a standstill, if we had been at home we would have been housebound but instead we still got out and about exploring.

Although I have felt very much at home there each time, and his family and friends have been extremely welcoming, I decided that I wasn't ready to make the move.  There were a variety of reasons for this, such as my Brother having his first child in January and I would like to be able to spend some time getting to know my new Nephew, I was accepted on my OU courses as well as wanting to continue with the group of people I am at evening class with through to next year. I also wanted some extra time with my Dad, our relationship over the years has been turbulent and we are finally spending some quality time together on a regular basis and I wanted that to continue for a while before leaving, safe in the knowledge that we can maintain that level while being far away.

I have now made 3 trips over and will be spending another month there this Christmas, and I will be seeing my BF in 10 days time for a long weekend, can't wait!  A long distance relationship is hard but, as I have said before, we do make the most of our time together and we are never far out of contact, whether it be hours chatting to each other in the evening or MSNing during the day.  We can talk about anything with each other and neither of us judges the other.  Like everyone does, we do have the odd disagreement but never fall asleep unless it is resolved.  It is hard to describe how you know you have found "the one" but with all my past relationships there has always been a voice in the back of my mind saying 'well when I'm single again I'll...' and with Uwe that voice just makes plans for us and our future together, and for me that is how I know.

I have been busy with investigating moving and this week I have been looking at shipping prices deciding that I don't have enough stuff I want to hold onto to justify paying the extortionate rates involved so, unless I can find someone that fancies a road trip across Europe, I will be taking 4 suitcases max 80 kilos, hopefully less, it depends on what my big de-clutter leaves when I start it in January.

Nine Months

Well, after some discussions, a few days ago we finally set a date for me to move to Germany, and it is a lot sooner then it was going to be, nine months today in fact.  I am very happy to actually have a date pencilled in the diary, by that time both U211 and L193 will have finished and I will be quite far through L130 too, and I am happy that I should have enough German to get by and really the best way to learn a language is to immerse oneself in it.  I am of course even happier that I will get to go to bed, with and wake up next to, my lovely German boyfriend.

I have already started gathering useful information such as German bank accounts etc, and after Christmas I shall start my 6 month de-cluttering project!  I do have too much "crap" around and I want to move as little as possible to make room for other essentials like Newkie Broon and English Mustard to last for quite some time :p

The Obligatory "Hello World" Post!

Okay so I suppose I had better introduce myself and tell you why I am writing this, I am not sure why I suppose I must do it, maybe so that I, myself, can read it back at a later date and remember why I felt the need to start blogging.

So why?  Mainly it is because I know I am on the verge of a great shift in my life, one which is going to shape the rest of my days. I haven't really achieved too much in my first 32 years of life and I am sure that like many other 30 somethings this is the first time I have really assessed my own life and acknowledged that the carefree days of my 20s are gone and that I now have to think about the bigger picture of my life.

I have made decisions that if I have had my time again I would have chosen a different option. I don't hang onto regrets, what has happened has happened and had it not I would not be the person I am today, would I have been in a better position then I am now? Perhaps, but these events have brought me to a place where I have met the man that I would like to spend the rest of my days with.  Unfortunately he lives in Germany and I live in England, but although we don't see each other often it is not a hindrance to our relationship. Yes we miss each other terribly when we cannot see each other but it means that when we do we make the most of it. It forces us to take things slowly and to get to know each other, rather then rush and move in before the first month is over, we have been together for 2 and a half years now and although we have decided on relocation and moving it will not be for a other year or two before we can be together on a permanent basis. We talk every day, we play online games together most evenings and over the weekend, so we do spend a lot of "virtual" time together chatting, laughing, venting and putting the worlds to rights.

After lots of discussion we made the decision that I will be the one to move to Germany, rather than him moving here. I would be easier, especially on my part, for him to come here. He speaks fluent English, I did GCSE German 16 years ago, therefore it would be a lot easier for him to get a job. I am recovering from a particularly painful period of my life which crescendo'd in my complete mental breakdown, I didn't leave the house for about 6 months, heck I didn't leave my bed. I finally asked for help and was formally diagnosed as having Depression, I am gradually getting better, I am still not able to participate in life fully, crowds scare me and I am prone to panic attacks.

So why does a person that has to use every ounce of strength she has to even walk up to the corner shop for milk want to move to another country, which speaks a language she doesn't fully understand? Because I don't plan on being so crippled for the rest of my life. Yes it would be easy to stay in my house forever being paid benefits that other people go out to work and pay their taxes for, but how does that help me become well? It just fuels the depression and the sense of worthlessness.

I have started to admit to myself that I am brave after a session with my therapist when he told me I was brave for attending a small evening class. I told him I didn't feel brave as every week I wished for something to happen so that I would have an excuse to not go, that I didn't feel brave because I was too scared to open my front door and step out into the world. That bravery is something that the fearless possess.  He then asked me if I did not believe that I brave because I am scared of opening the door but I opened it regardless. I had no other option but to concede that he might have a point, and it has changed the way I think.

The way for me to get better is to make sure I have some goals to achieve and some challenges to rise up to. Yes moving to Germany is a massive thing, but it will be a new start far away from anything related with the bad things that have happened and it excites me as much as it scares me.  I have broken it down into the smaller chunks so that I can make baby steps out from the cocoon to being a fully functioning human, with hopefully something to offer the world.

I have just signed up for a 3rd session of evening classes and I am starting an Open University Degree in Modern Languages - English and German, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am moving forward rather then backwards.