Friday, 17 September 2010

The Obligatory "Hello World" Post!

Okay so I suppose I had better introduce myself and tell you why I am writing this, I am not sure why I suppose I must do it, maybe so that I, myself, can read it back at a later date and remember why I felt the need to start blogging.

So why?  Mainly it is because I know I am on the verge of a great shift in my life, one which is going to shape the rest of my days. I haven't really achieved too much in my first 32 years of life and I am sure that like many other 30 somethings this is the first time I have really assessed my own life and acknowledged that the carefree days of my 20s are gone and that I now have to think about the bigger picture of my life.

I have made decisions that if I have had my time again I would have chosen a different option. I don't hang onto regrets, what has happened has happened and had it not I would not be the person I am today, would I have been in a better position then I am now? Perhaps, but these events have brought me to a place where I have met the man that I would like to spend the rest of my days with.  Unfortunately he lives in Germany and I live in England, but although we don't see each other often it is not a hindrance to our relationship. Yes we miss each other terribly when we cannot see each other but it means that when we do we make the most of it. It forces us to take things slowly and to get to know each other, rather then rush and move in before the first month is over, we have been together for 2 and a half years now and although we have decided on relocation and moving it will not be for a other year or two before we can be together on a permanent basis. We talk every day, we play online games together most evenings and over the weekend, so we do spend a lot of "virtual" time together chatting, laughing, venting and putting the worlds to rights.

After lots of discussion we made the decision that I will be the one to move to Germany, rather than him moving here. I would be easier, especially on my part, for him to come here. He speaks fluent English, I did GCSE German 16 years ago, therefore it would be a lot easier for him to get a job. I am recovering from a particularly painful period of my life which crescendo'd in my complete mental breakdown, I didn't leave the house for about 6 months, heck I didn't leave my bed. I finally asked for help and was formally diagnosed as having Depression, I am gradually getting better, I am still not able to participate in life fully, crowds scare me and I am prone to panic attacks.

So why does a person that has to use every ounce of strength she has to even walk up to the corner shop for milk want to move to another country, which speaks a language she doesn't fully understand? Because I don't plan on being so crippled for the rest of my life. Yes it would be easy to stay in my house forever being paid benefits that other people go out to work and pay their taxes for, but how does that help me become well? It just fuels the depression and the sense of worthlessness.

I have started to admit to myself that I am brave after a session with my therapist when he told me I was brave for attending a small evening class. I told him I didn't feel brave as every week I wished for something to happen so that I would have an excuse to not go, that I didn't feel brave because I was too scared to open my front door and step out into the world. That bravery is something that the fearless possess.  He then asked me if I did not believe that I brave because I am scared of opening the door but I opened it regardless. I had no other option but to concede that he might have a point, and it has changed the way I think.

The way for me to get better is to make sure I have some goals to achieve and some challenges to rise up to. Yes moving to Germany is a massive thing, but it will be a new start far away from anything related with the bad things that have happened and it excites me as much as it scares me.  I have broken it down into the smaller chunks so that I can make baby steps out from the cocoon to being a fully functioning human, with hopefully something to offer the world.

I have just signed up for a 3rd session of evening classes and I am starting an Open University Degree in Modern Languages - English and German, and for the first time in a very long time I feel like I am moving forward rather then backwards.


  1. I thought I'd start at the beginning: the hello world post was definitely a good idea - I can't believe how many things we have in common!! Look forward to reading more :)

  2. The feeling is most certainly mutual, been loving your work Frau Dietz! :D